Hi friends, it’s been a while.
Summer time has been super busy, but wonderful nonetheless. It seems there is always something going on, and if there isn’t, all I want to do is a whole lot of nothing just to recoup from all the craziness.
A few times I have picked up my computer to write a blog post, but didn’t have it in me to do even that. Naturally this means I have about a million things I would love to share, but I’ll stick to the thing I’ve pondered over most these past few months.
This morning it rained for the first time in I can’t even remember how long. I loved it. So much.
I laid in bed with nowhere to be and listened to the rain fall (one of my most favorite sounds on this earth) as I cuddled with my baby. Surely, this must be a piece of what heaven feels like.
I woke up semi-rested, awake before Sam was awake, snuggling nose to nose and thought, “Man, I love my life.”
It may sound braggy, but I mean it in the most sincere way, especially after being thrown into this roller coaster of a ride called motherhood.
A few months ago, I had a mini freak out about life.
I’m a planner. I think I’ve mentioned this a lot by now. I plan everything. And up until this point in my life, I had things ‘somewhat’ planned out.
When I was in middle school, the most important things were name brand clothes, learning how to put on make up, and how to keep my friends from changing every single week (if not every day). Come high school, it was figuring myself out and who my friends really were. It was first kisses, getting into the same class as my friends and finishing homework before class started. At the end of high school it was time to get a little more serious about my ACT score and college applications. Then college started, and I remember feeling I had my whole life ahead of me.
I was concerned with dating, but much more concerned with my education. In fact, people would always comment on me being overly studious which always annoyed me, but I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew what it took to get there.
I wanted to be a nurse, so I took the necessary prerequisites. Then I had to apply to programs, and once I figured out where I got in, the next step was figuring out how to survive, because nursing school took everything I had. I literally gave my blood, sweat and tears to an incredibly rigorous program.
Life continued on as I worked through my education. After my first semester in the nursing program I got married, and in my last semester I was pregnant. And so here I am, at that point in my life where everything was once a hypothetical. The mystery of what I’m going to be when I grow up, who I would marry, when I would start having a family… those are my every days, and I don’t even think twice about them anymore.
I wake up to my husband every day, and at night when we’re laying next to our baby, I sometimes catch myself staring at Sam and thinking, “How in the world did he get here? This can’t be real.”
But it is.
This is my life now.
I had goals to go to college, to be a nurse, to get married, to start a family… and the next thing I know, I’m there. I’ve checked off almost everything on that ‘important decisions’ list. And now, I stay at home with that perfect little baby, but find myself with ants in my pants some days, because I want to go back to being a nurse with high hopes to change the world. But then I remember that now is my time to be with Sam.
My goals are different now. And as mundane as it may be, changing countless diapers, feeding Sam a million times a day, and making up songs and doing weird dances to distract and keep him happy, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, because before he came, I couldn’t wait for him to get here. And now that he is here, I’m going to enjoy all of him with no apologies to my ‘career’ or any other endeavor.
I read a blog (click on the link) that was circulating on Facebook, and it opened my eyes even more to the simple beauties of motherhood. That even though the biggest things I worry about some days are getting Sam on a schedule or examining his diapers, it is still enough, because I kept him safe, fed and rested. I played with him, and made him laugh.
I mean Brad Pitt gets it!
Another blog (link here), shared with me by a friend, had really spoke to my heart about how these are some of the best years of my life. Here was my favorite part:
“… for those of you fidgeting at home today with a restless baby at the breast, for those who have been interrupted by a toddler 20 times while you read this, I can promise you one thing. You will never regret the sacrifices you make for them now.
It may not be possible to fully appreciate the beauty of this time while you are in the midst of it. But one day, sooner than you can imagine, you will be standing on the other side of this chapter, trying to remember how their skin smelt, how their body felt sitting on your hip, head on your shoulder – and you will be filled with gladness for every moment, good and bad, that you experienced with them.”
After reading that article, I held Sam a little closer, smelled his skin and gave him an overload of kisses while he kicked me in the face.
Kasen and I had a conversation a few months ago about life, and he said something that will stick with me forever. He said, “We don’t have everything, but we have it all.” Oh my profound. What an eye opener for me to more fully recognize our blessings. As I have mentioned in previous posts, we are not able to get whatever we want, whenever we want, but in time, we are always able to do the things we want to do, and to have the things we desire. After all, the most appreciated things are the ones that require our sacrifice.
I’ve heard that there is no peace without contentment. So I’m choosing to be content, because although nothing is perfect, life really ain’t that bad.